"They're creepy and they're kooky…" No? No, This is  the Collins family, denizens of a New England Fishing town in the daytime Soap "Dark Shadows".

It is also Tim Burtons way too busy tribute to the old soap,with Barnabas Collins, cursed by a witch who loves him to a life as a vampire and wrapped in chains and buried for 200 years  till he is released into the Collinswood of 1972.

Yup, 1972.

So it is a parody of the 1700s and the 1970s.

Busy fucker from director Tim Burton and producer Johnny Depp isn't too sure what it is. Matriarch Michelle Pfeiffer (Who is terrific) let's the returned Barnabas back into the fold after he shows her a secret passageway which leads to gold, i tell you, gold.

Meanwhile, the witch has run the Collins out of the fishing business and is still out for revenge on Barnabas.The movie isn't sure if it is a comedy or a straight faced camp classic and so I guess it is both and neither. It has its moments, two of them, Barnabas' reaction to Karen Carpenter on TV, "Reveal yourself tiny songstress" and Barnabas' reaction to Alice Cooper, "The largest woman I've ever seen".

There is a Governess love interest, a teenage werewolf, a  kid who sees dead people, and lots of pretty lights. Like I said, Michelle is a wonder, indeed, all the acting is strong. Visually it is a beautiful thing, especially the teenage girls bedroom. Also, watching somebody pull a T-Rex out of a sleeve will always be fun. But the script is terrible. There are too many characters. The plot is dumb, and it could have saved itself a lot of time wasting if it had placed itself in 2012.

Musically, it is awesome. T-Rex, Curtis Mayfield, Barry White and of course, the one and only Alice Cooper in a cameo.

Movie: B

Music: A